Down on Golf

I’m down on my game right now. Just down. Haven’t been playing well, and I’m not totally sure why. I know the sway is still in there — still part of my problem — and knowing it’s there and not being able to shut it off pisses me off, which probably makes it worse. That’s the loop I’m stuck in.

I really thought this would be the year things clicked. New irons, fit for my swing. Actual lessons instead of just grinding it out alone. I had some promising rounds mixed in — but way more bad ones than I expected. Bad contact, bad shots, more of them than I budgeted for. And if I’m honest, it almost feels like nothing’s really changed. Like I’d be in roughly the same spot right now even if I’d kept my old clubs and never taken a single lesson. That thought alone makes the money feel wasted, which makes the whole thing feel worse.

So then the darker stuff creeps in. Maybe I’m just too old. Maybe I can’t get better at this point. There’s that saying — better to be bad at golf than good at sitting on the couch — and most days I believe it, but some days I just wonder. I wonder if I’d started lessons years ago instead of now, would this be a different story. But the world isn’t fair. Some people are just naturally good at this game, and some aren’t, and maybe I’m one of the ones who isn’t. Which stings extra because golf might be the thing I love most right now, recreationally, at this point in my life — and it’s possible I’m just not built to be good at the one thing I care about being good at.

The other thing that pops in my mind is my dad. He died at 59, had MS (multiple sclerosis) and was completely bed ridden at his death. Do I have a touch of that, is that causing some of my issues. Wow, guess I’m having nothing but bad thoughts. Rereading this really points that out.

Played nine last Wednesday. Nine more on Thursday — hit it a little better that day. I’ve still got two lessons left, plus rounds to play in between. And even typing that out, some part of me goes: is it even worth it? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

But here’s the thing — usually when I go to a lesson, I do get better, at least in the lesson itself. So there’s something real there. What I keep circling is the backswing — I’m not consistent at the top. I’ve been trying to cock my wrists more for distance, and it does add yards, but it also adds more that can go wrong. When I don’t cock as much, I get cleaner contact but it doesn’t go anywhere. My sequencing falls apart depending on which one I’m chasing. That’s the actual puzzle I need to bring to the next lesson.

Then Saturday — 18 with the boys. Some ugly chunks early. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I’m just getting old. Maybe I had a couple too many beers, honestly, trying to just have fun with the group. But I played the last few holes well, drives that felt good even if they didn’t fly as far as they should have. And that’s the maddening part — playing well enough at the end to want to come back and do it again, which is probably the only reason I keep booking tee times.

It shouldn’t be this hard. I’m not asking to shoot 69. I just want to make good contact, string together some decent holes, and stop blowing up once a round — one bad hole that undoes everything. I used to not do that as much. Maybe that’s age. I’m 59. Most days I try to convince myself I play like I’m 39.

Lessons next Tuesday. Two more after that, rounds mixed in between. I don’t know if it clicks this time. But I’m still showing up to find out.

And I’m considering quitting this website and blog thing too. Just seems like so much work now. I was hoping putting my thoughts into words might help me work thru what I need to fix but I just don’t know right now. Blah